Nice Girls Finish Last; Why it Doesn't Pay to be Polite

I’m not a dumb blonde, I just play one in real life. It’s not something that I do on purpose, it’s just that it’s impossible to voice opinions and contest ideas without the risk of offending. I’m a product of my socialization and, like a majority of women, the compulsion to protect the integrity of my “nice girl” status is foremost in my mind in any social interaction. At my worst, I’m an extreme example of the effects of “nice- girl” socialization, the unfortunate by- product of lessons of social propriety. What this means is that in conversation I measure every exchange, on guard for an indication that I’ve offended, and resultantly come across like I have nothing original, interesting, or, at times, coherent, to say. I feel the irresistible urge to put forth excuses and explanations that aren’t needed when a simple “no” would suffice.

This doesn’t mean that I am truly “nice” in any meaningful sense of the word; not unless it’s “nice” to be ruthless in my appraisal of others (and sometimes nonsensically so), or to be thoroughly vocal about my exacting judgement so long as the offending party is out of ear shot. If someone is deserving, I suppose that talking behind their back is like a surreptitious enactment of retribution. As a “nice girl,” it’s not like I’m going to risk hurt feelings by confronting someone for their perceived indiscretions, but I  find satisfaction in airing my grievances elsewhere.

This is ineffective in social situations, and even more so in professional ones. For one thing, respect is garnered through, among other things, demonstrations of strength, and intelligence. A person with no (discernible) opinions demonstrates neither.

  It’s a process, trying to overcome the tendency to let authenticity take a backseat to congeniality,  but every step I take away from the “nice girl, ” every move I make that is unmediated by the desire not to offend, is a step toward authenticity. It sounds sentimental, but it’s true.  I am not a “nice girl;” I never was, nor was anyone else. She’s an archetype to which no female compares, and trying to live within the constraints of “nice girl” identity serves no real purpose (if you count success at any level among your goals).  

I still find it a struggle to step outside the “nice girl” persona when necessary. She’s my go- to guide for dealing with social situations. The problem is that I’ve found that she doesn’t have any real answers, so I’m starting to look for my own.